Sitting in the crow’s nest

Above the main sail of my life

My gaze on the horizon, doth rest.

Which appears choppy, unruly, and full of strife.

This life-vessel rocks back-and-forth

Vacillating on the mood-waves.

Somedays, I get it. I’m happy and feel self-worth.

Others, I drift into the rip current of doubt and haze.

A rising tide lifts me and I can see a new horizon

Full of warm winds, sunshine, peace, and contentment.

However, even though a telescope, this place is hard to lay eyes-on.

And many days I am still chased by the sister ships: Pain and Resentment.

Distracted by treasure, baubles, and jewels,

I forgot my original destination.

So I hope I have the strength and humility to stop playing the fool

And set out on a course with renewed intention.

Lately, I’ve been continuing to wrestle with questions of my identity, meaning, career, and contentment. Sometimes I realize that happiness is a choice, and that I already have everything I could ever want or need. On those days I recognize that peace starts within, and that if I lean into my role/dream as a husband and a “family man,” I could find true meaning and happiness. However, on other days, I get drawn right back into my career field’s (the Army’s) view of success. I get distracted by the shiny objects, awards, schools, and dangling carrots. However, this rat race won’t cut it. Additionally, I find myself remembering the reason I joined in the first place. It wasn’t for careerism; it was to serve. I am realizing that I haven’t quite scratched the itch in terms of serving the way I envisioned. So now I am left to figure out how can I be of service in other aspects of my life, if I should make a career move, or if I should seek happiness in simply existing and enjoying this life that I have. Thus, I feel this vacillation between almost reaching peace and then finding myself unsatisfied with my service. Still figuring it out, and in time I know I will.

Peace.

-The Poet of Windy Blue