Reflections on 2024 (Pt. 2 of 3): Challenges

In the spirit of keeping it real, I want to share some of the challenges I faced this year (still face).

Despite all of the remarkable physical and intellectual feats that I accomplished this year, there have also been obstacles to navigate and various setbacks. Prior to SERE school I had a health problem related to my G.I. system that eventually cleared up but was not a fun way to begin the year. Then, at SERE school, I sustained a severe low-back injury that left me crippled with pain for nearly a month after I returned. I could barely walk, I couldn’t bend over, I couldn’t reach my feet to put on socks or shoes. My wife literally had to help me do so. This, coupled with the psychological challenges of reintegration left me greatly humiliated and with destroyed self-confidence. Ultimately, however, my mind and body proved resilient, and I managed to accomplish all of the things I listed in part 1. 

The biggest sticking point in all of my introspection, and the biggest internal challenge I am facing, however, is simply figuring out where I belong. I mean this in the larger sense. As in, where do I belong in society? What’s my role in society? Where should I move after my time in the Army? What job(s) should I pursue after the Army? How should I volunteer my time? How do I see my purpose? How might I find peace and contentment?

Closely tied to these questions are my conflicted feelings about “home.” Kels and I spent Christmas in Erie PA this year, and that visit has filled me with nostalgia. I miss the life I had there. I miss the fields and hills and woods. I miss my childhood. I miss hunting. I miss running on the country roads. I miss my friends (from high school and university). I miss the Wattsburg community. I miss the Erie and Mercyhurst communities. I miss “community” in a larger sense. 

Life in the active-duty Army sort of robs one of that experience due to moving around so frequently. I want to put down roots. Don’t get me wrong, the Army is a community of its own, and the network of friends that we make is incredibly strong. Some of my military friends will be lifelong friendships. Yet, this active-duty life is still…somehow…just…different. I love my friends, and nothing will replace my memories of the good times we had in Europe, and now N.C., but I guess I miss having a larger community outside of my immediate friend group. I miss knowing the majority of people on my street, or in my town, or on my local school board or city council. 

As I grew up, I could not wait to leave and escape Erie, PA, but now, 8 years after I left, I desperately feel like I want to return. At the very least, I hope to move close by. I feel its gravitational pull.