Grief Ghosts

Images of how you lived in your final years

Haunt me.

Specters of visions

Of you utterly alone.

In crippling pain 

And declining health.

In fear so intense and incomprehensible 

That you decided killing yourself would be easier.

Sitting alone in a house that quickly deteriorated beyond recognition.

The direct reflection of your inner life.

Sitting alone in the fear and the pain

As I lived extravagantly in Eastern Europe. 

Images of you confused and anxious as the alcohol 

And disease destroys your brain.

The worst of it all is that I did not see these images until it was all over

And utterly too late. 

-The Poet of Windy Blue

I wrote this poem much later in the grieving process after my mom’s suicide. As you can see, I was haunted by images, both real and imagined. Additionally, I could not shake the survivor’s guilt that I was feeling at the time. Both of these symptoms have lessened significantly during this past year as I have grown around that loss. However, I think this poem is significant, because it shows some of the ways that survivors (the bereaved) struggle in the wake of a losing a loved one this way. Also how many of us feel survivor’s guilt. I.e. thinking thoughts like “If only I saw the signs, or if only I called more often, if only I hadn’t moved so far away, if only, if only…”

If you’re reading this and you’ve had a similar experience, it is important to know, is that it is not our fault. We all did the best we could with the information we had, and there could have been a million reasons for their choice, but it was ultimately theirs to make. Pain exists in the space between acceptance and wanting to change things. When we accept reality as it is, things get easier. Every situation is different, but it is highly likely that there was very little that you/we could have done to change the outcome.