In the Service

How much time has passed me by in the service?

What are these remembered

Feelings

Of passion and fire and drive empowered?

What are these remembered

Days

Of joy and energy and strength unhampered?

What are these remembered

Perceptions

Of my body resilient, lean, uninjured?

What are these remembered

Words:

Hot, lifeblood, mountains, dancing surrendered?

What are these newfound

Scars

From parachutes, rucksacks, and training grounds?

What are these newfound

Perceptions

Of weakness, aging, and courage unwound?

However, in youth’s flight and in a new decade’s appearance I must also ask:

What are these newfound

Feelings

Of calmness, confidence, and contentment now unbound?

How much time has passed me by in the service?

How much youth has passed me by in the service?

How much angst and darkness has passed me by in the service?

-The Poet of Windy Blue

Does it make me soft to want comfortable things now, or just old?

Maybe it just means that I am getting older and wiser.

As each year goes by I find myself slowly relinquishing my super tight clinging to this image I had in my head since I was a teenager that the only way I could earn respect or belonging was by being a warrior of sorts. I thought that if I made myself as “hard” as possible and accomplished super worthwhile things like joining the Army, joining the war on terrorism, and going to super badass Army schools that I would “make it.” In those days I was full of hot headed passions and had a fiery drive to succeed. I was almost psychopathic in my clinging to my dreams of success. In part it was just youthful energy and passion. In part it was running from my upbringing and circumstances at home. Turns out my service didn’t look exactly how I wanted it to look in terms of participating in the GWOT, and it also turns out that even though I have done some pretty remarkable things in the Army and been to some pretty badass schools, it does not fill that void in my heart. It turns out that the things that actually do are family, friends, and connection. I think getting married changed a lot for me and my entire risk/reward/identity calculus. Now I find myself wanting more and more to spend as much time with my wife and our pets as I can, and actually not super look forward to the times when I am away. I find myself remembering my adventures and friendships that I had while stationed in Germany with new found appreciation and fondness. I wish I had given my permission to really be present and to have enjoyed those days fully while I was there without the sense of guilt that plagued me. I used to feel overwhelming guilt that I was having this amazing assignment while the GWOT was still going on and some of my peers were still deploying. Now, however, I look back on those youthful days, amazing friendships and adventures across all four corners of Europe, and I am grateful. Grateful for those guys, grateful for those experiences, and (almost) grateful that the Army assigned me that task instead of the war.

Some might say that I am getting soft. Some might say that I am getting old. Some might say that perhaps this is a sign that I should no longer serve in the active duty Army. Some or all of them might be right. 

At the end of the day, I am still a patriot, I still want to serve, and I have more in my gas tank to give, but I sense that the day that changes for me is approaching perhaps sooner than I expected. There will come a day when I will want to put myself, my happiness, my peace of mind, and my family before my service/the Army. Who can fault me for that?